Have you ever been ashamed to ask for help? I know, it is a tough situation. You are not weak or less of a person if you reach out and get the support that you need.
It’s difficult to admit that it is hard and not everyone has the strength or ability to endure.
We often have the tendency not to want to ask for anything especially when we feel like our situation is complicated and there are many variables involved.
“I can do it myself,” you tell yourself. “No one will understand what I am going through.”
You are correct that your situation is complicated and no one will understand exactly how you feel. You are also correct that it is up to you to make things happen, but what if there was a way for others to help?
The benefits of receiving help from others are numerous.
It can also be a great way to make connections in your industry, which is an opportunity for you to gain knowledge and insight that might otherwise not have been available.
In our society, it can be hard to ask for help. We are taught that asking can be a sign of weakness or failure. If you don’t ask when you need assistance, we run the risk of missing out on opportunities and solving problems that could have saved us time and money in the long run.
When I was a child, my mother would often quote from the Bible, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 ESV
This is one of the scripture references that has become one of the many that has stuck with me.
For many years I have been suffering, much in silence, due to various mental and health issues stemming from various incidences, making the simplest tasks difficult to perform.
This story is my own personal experience of how I was able to put in place tools to make things a little easier in those difficult times.
What did Jesus mean when he said “ask and you shall receive”?
Spiritually, asking and receiving is for anyone who believes that God will give whatever is needed to those who have the faith to ask for it. Yes, God is all-knowing, but he wants you to come to Him in prayer about what you want and need so you can create what He wants the most: a deeper bond between you and Him.
The Great I Am
I have a complex mix of affinity and trepidation about approaching this scripture because it grabs me, every time I read it, without fail. It is not because I don’t believe, but because it presses deeply against my belief that I have to do everything on my own.
It always reveals some paradigm-shifting insight that leaves me even more certain of His grace & wisdom, and that He is indeed, The Great I Am.
How Can I Help You?
Asking for help has not traditionally been my strong suit. Truly paradoxical though, since in my chosen profession, “How can I help you?” is the crux of my success when supporting entrepreneurs, small to medium-sized business owners, or my students as their VA Coach & Mentor, the ironies of life. However, growing up, “what goes on behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors” was the holy grail – one of the highest codes to which familiar honour and Blake were demonstrated.
I internalized this to such a degree that I became my own sounding board, the pane experts, judge, jury and executioner on all matters–I would consult the tribunal of ME with every problem.
We would dissect, diagnose, and administer the recommended solutions. I didn’t have a clear understanding of the difference between asking for help vs. when I was airing dirty laundry. I was always mindful about not bringing shame and embarrassment to my family.
Doing life by yourself is heavy and lonely. It has taken me over a decade to learn and surrender to the fact that I cannot (and was never meant to) do this life alone.
I’ll tell you this, with all that’s happened in my life in the past few years, I don’t know where I would be–physically, mentally or emotionally–if I did not have this mindset shift.
I am still learning and growing, and although I have come a far way, I am still a work in progress, trust me ✋🏽.
The Problem-Agitate-Solution (PAS) Framework has been helpful in reaching out and getting support from others because of its simple three-step process.
What is the Problem-Agitate-Solution Framework?
The framework works by identifying potential issues, creating an impactful crisis for your users, and providing a clear call-to-action that leads them towards possible solutions to the issue.
By using this framework, I discovered 5 stepping stones that got me on my way to making transformational differences using it. I pray that they enlighten you as well.
1) Prioritize Yourself and Speak Your Truth
Those who really know me, know that one of my Achilles heels is confrontation. I hate hurting people, especially those I care about, so I perfected the practice of internalizing and suppressing my emotions.
I would analyze every possible angle, motivation and justification for a situation and make my own peace with it based on what I thought and felt, thinking that this was best for everyone. I know now that was a lie so I could feel better about not approaching a situation or person directly and avoid breeding toxicity.
These days, I refuse to sacrifice my well-being or peace for anyone or anything. I am still learning to master the art of confrontation, but I no longer allow things to fester that turn into anger. I say what I have to say, to whomever it needs to be said, whether they will agree or disagree.
2) Communicate Your Needs
“Acts of Service” is my love language on both the giving and receiving end. For years, I struggled to figure out why I am able to listen to others, anticipating and fulfilling their needs without their even asking, but I could never get the same courtesy.
I assumed that the people around me should just know what I need without uttering a single word. I thought that if they knew that this is how I showed my love for them, then surely they should know that this is how I expect to be loved in return.
When people choose to NOT act in accordance with this. It made me feel like I didn’t matter to them.
As part of my recovery and healing, I have had to really learn to say explicitly what I need from my family, friends, health care providers–everyone I want to have as a permanent fixture in my life really, for the sake of my own health–mind, body and soul; it has been a game changer.
3) Your Vulnerability is Your Strength
Opening up to others about your struggles is a strength, not a weakness. You might worry about what people will think of you, or feel embarrassed for struggling in the first place. Nevertheless, these are some reasons why it is important to find someone to talk with:
Vulnerability is how you can bridge the gap.
I have learned that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and it also takes courage to put yourself out there in the first place.
As we open up ourselves to connect to the humanity within us, we create opportunities in the future to bless people when they are in need of help.
The challenges of being a single parent were many, and they often came in the form of me having to face my past demons alone. For most of my life, I made myself the main person I could count on the majority of the time. This allowed me to create armour around me that I thought would not allow any pain to penetrate me.
It can be hard to ask for help because we fear judgment and rejection, but is no greater feeling than seeing someone realize the heart in me when I have put it down and let them see my faithful and determined spirit. The grace and mercies that have kept me on the path – walking forward, at times falling right on my face, and picking myself up every time to get where I am today.
The act of revealing my vulnerabilities has created confidence that I can be the wholly and unadulterated me and still receive the support that I need. It allowed me to be seen for who I am, and it is from this place that my greatest gifts were realized.
4) You Do Not Need to Always Have All the Answers
As much as I’ve looked to myself for all the answers over these years, I’ve never been the proverbial ‘know-it-all’. But I cannot honestly say that I haven’t over-extended myself and assumed responsibility for things I had no business feeling responsible for.
Continually being in the driver’s seat, however, being the one finding solutions 90% of the time, has robbed me of that deep relationship with myself where I can tune in with, prioritize and express my own needs.
In the last few months though, forced by circumstance and helped greatly by the GrooW technique developed by the wonderful Aileen Gibbs, I have had to stop and really listen to others, and allow their input. And it has been such a relief to know that I no longer have to respond to or resolve every problem by myself.
5) Create & Maintain Firm Boundaries
My daughter has been urging me to do this for years. My belief that the very act of helping someone else is also helping myself has kept me stuck in a cycle of giving even when I have nothing to give. Giving in violation of my own personal boundaries and neglecting my own needs.
My personal and professional life would bleed into each other, I would spend 16-18 hours per day working in service of others and neglecting my own desires and well-being.
With the help of coaching from the Fearless Business Boss, Tammy Durden, I have come to realize that that belief was flawed and that this is not a sustainable way of being. If I am truly to be of service in this world, I have to carve out time to give myself what I need, to be present and not let my own life pass me by.
Bonus: How can I establish boundaries?
Establishing boundaries with clients is important and can help you maintain your sanity. Here are some ways I have maintained healthy relationships with my clients.
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Setting expectations upfront through the terms and conditions of the agreed
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Setting an intention before entering into a conversation related to those needs
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Becoming aware of the influence your body language has on others
By setting clear boundaries, you are proving a clear understanding of the parameters of the working relationship.
Why does it take a village?
According to a recent article published by Forbes, it really does take a village, but what no one tells you is that the village, like your business, always starts small.
We all need help and support from many different people to succeed as we navigate through this thing called life.
The key to success is learning from your mistakes.
We all make mistakes, it’s part of being human. But sometimes, those mistakes can be costly. So how can we learn from our mistakes and avoid making them again in the future?
One way to do this is to seek feedback from others. If you’re not sure what went wrong, ask someone who is more experienced for their opinion. They may be able to help you see the situation from a different perspective and offer suggestions on how to improve.
It’s also important to be open to change. If something isn’t working, don’t be afraid to try something new. Learning is a lifelong process, so keep trying new things and expanding your awareness so that you can continue to grow and improve your skills.
Final Thought
I am a huge John Wick fan, and in Parabellum Part 3, he says, “I will serve. I will be of service.” He goes back to the Continental to prove his loyalty and obedience. Still, as noble as his mission was, it would not have been accomplished had he not received help along the way from those he had encountered even when he was Jardani Jovonovich.
As a servant to the Kingdom first, I have had to reconcile that fellowship will be the only way for me to create the valuable, meaningful, and purposeful life God has planned for me since before I took my first breath.
I have returned to blogging with the mission of sharing my experiences candidly, along with the wisdom I have gained as I have surrendered to the fact that we are not meant to do this life alone.
